i’m not okay.
i’m not okay.
Here’s something you need to know - we’re all fucked up. You, me, all of us, we are all damaged. Look around you, is there anyone you know that is perfectly rational and reasonable and level-headed and has no issues and is completely healthy? I don’t even have to know you to know the answer. And…
Goddamn, it’s like you know exactly what the fuck happened to me today.
MORE than 100 AIDS activists, researchers and health workers bound for a major conference in Melbourne were on the Malaysia Airlines flight downed in the Ukraine.
It is believed that delegates to the 20th International AIDS Conference, due to begin on Sunday, will be informed today that 108 of their colleagues and family members died on MH17.
Stunned researchers, activists and development workers arriving at Melbourne Airport paid tribute to AIDS researcher Joep Lange and the other attendees believed killed aboard MH17.
Jonathan Quick, head of a not-for–profit medicine supply company working with the Global Fund and the US government in Africa and Latin America, described Mr Lange as a force for change in HIV/AIDS treatment.
“I remember meeting him back in the late 1990s. He was really driven at a time when there was not much going on in the way of treatment,” he said.
“This is a community in which individuals have moved mountains and it’s also a community that has had regular exposure to horrific loss.”
Mr Quick, who runs Management Sciences for Health, will introduce an address by former High Court judge Michael Kirby at the conference.
Activist and journalist Sean Strub, who runs the New York based POZ magazine, said the conference was shaken by the tragedy and by Mr Lange’s death.
“It’s going to be a very sombre week,’’ he said. “The struggle with the epidemic is bigger than any one individual but the collective loss of so many important people is one that is emotionally devastating.”
Kenyan development worker Perez Odera said she feared the tragedy would dissuade people from flying to conferences such as this.
“I just feel it is very, very unfortunate. It’s something we don’t have control over,’’ she said.
Dr Robert Grant, a researcher from the Gladstone Institute at the University of California, said that on arriving in Melbourne he had heard reports Mr Lange had died.
He declined to say he was speaking about Mr Lange ahead of confirmation of the death, but said a senior colleague — thought to be the Dutch researcher — appeared to have perished.
“It’s incredible. He’s been a mentor to me and an incredible leader in this field. We have published together and I have relied on him for advice and guidance,” he said.
Another delegate, Jennifer Watt, who works for a pharmaceutical company in San Francisco, talked of Mr Lange‘s work in Africa.
“I have worked very closely with him in a number of clinical research projects. He’s very well known and a very passionate person. He’s the father of AIDS research in the developing world,’’ she said.
Another attendee, Houston based community worker Moise Arrah, said the news was devastating. “People were coming here for such a noble cause and then they lose their lives in such a tragedy.”
Mr Lange was a clinical researcher specialising in HIV therapy who served as the International AIDS Society president from 2002 to 2004.
His friend Dr Seema Yasmin, from the US Centers for Disease Control, said Mr Lange was a true humanitarian.
“What a HUGE loss to the world,” she tweeted. “Just learned that dear friend, amazing father to 5 girls and veteran AIDS researcher Joep Lange was on #MH17.”
Australia’s National AIDS Trust paid tribute to Mr Lange.
“Reports Joep Lange died in Malaysian plane crash today, with other scientists on way to AIDS_conference. Desperately sad news,” it said on Twitter.
American academic and AIDS activist Gregg Gonsalves tweeted that “Lots of AIDS researchers, activists, officials on downed Malaysia Airlines flight to Melbourne for Intl AIDS Conference.
“Joep Lange was a leading AIDS researcher and clinician and an activist at heart. Lost today too soon on Malaysian flight 019. RIP.”
A Geneva-based World Health Organisation media adviser, Glenn Thomas, is also believed to be among the dead.
Dr Haileyesus Getahun, coordinator of the WHO’s Global TB program, tweeted: “Saddened to learn that my friend and @WHO staff who was traveling to @AIDS_conference to Melbourne was on flight #MH17. RIP #Glenn Thomas”.
His colleague Dr Rachel Baggaley, of the WHO’s HIV Department, told Vox: “I’m just devastated. He’s a very close colleague whom I work with on a daily basis.
“He just had his birthday, he was going to plan all sorts of celebrations.”
Nicole Schiegg, a former Senior Advisor at USAID, tweeted: “I am still stunned. So sorry & thoughts are with Glenn’s extended @WHO family at this time.
“Glenn was a great guy & will be missed.”
Jennifer Yang, global health reporter at the Toronto Star, tweeted: “So saddened to hear about lovely, funny, whip-smart Glenn.”
Delegates Lucie van Mens, Martine de Schutter, Pim de Kuijer and Jacqueline van Tongeren were also reportedly on the flight.
Dr Van Mens, director of program development and support at the Female Health Company, has been involved in public health, focusing on prevention of STIs and HIV/AIDS, since 1995.
Organisers of the AIDS 2014 conference in Melbourne are awaiting confirmation of how many delegates were aboard the Malaysian Airlines flight shot down over eastern Ukraine.
International Aids Society president-elect Chris Beyrer issued a brief statement outside the Melbourne Convention Centre, where the world’s leading HIV researchers and scientists, former US president Bill Clinton and philanthropist Bob Geldolf will gather for next week’s conference.
“The International AIDS Society today expressed its sincere sadness at receiving news that colleagues and friends en route to attend the 20th International AIDS Conference taking place in Melbourne, Australia, were on board the Malaysian Airlines MH17 flight that has crashed over Ukraine earlier today,” Mr Beyrer said.
“At this incredibly said and sensitive time the IAS stands with our international family and sends condolences to the loved ones of those who have been lost to this tragedy.
“The IAS is hearing unconfirmed reports that some of our friends and colleagues were on board the flight and if that is the case this is a truly sad day.
“The IAS has also heard reports that among the passengers was a former IAS President Joep Lange and if that is the case then the HIV/AIDS movement has truly lost a giant.”
UNAIDS executive director Michel Sidibe tweeted: “My thoughts & prayers to families of those tragically lost on flight #MH17. Many passengers were enroute to #AIDS2014 here in #Melbourne.”
The IAS released a statement today confirming the death of a number of attendees to the 20th Annual AIDS Conference.
“The International AIDS Society (IAS) today expresses its sincere sadness at receiving news that a number of colleagues and friends en route to attend the 20th International AIDS Conference taking place in Melbourne, Australia, were on board the Malaysian Airlines MH17 flight that has crashed over Ukraine earlier today,’’ it said.
“At this incredibly sad and sensitive time the IAS stands with our international family and sends condolences to the loved ones of those who have been lost to this tragedy.”
Bill Clinton, Bob Geldof, Michel Sidibe , the executive director of the Global Fund to Fight AIDS, Tuberculosis and Malaria Mark Dybul, Indonesian Health Minister Nafsiam Mboi, Swedish Ambassador for Global Health Anders Nordstrom are down as speakers at the conference.
you can’t see the cracks, but i feel them in my soul.
#instapoet #instaquotes #instapics
Katherine touched her neck, her fingers lingering on her throat. The spot where she’d placed his hands, and silently begged him to choke her as he took her from behind. She knew it probably wouldn’t leave a mark, he hadn’t done it with as much force as she would have liked; with enough force to actually make her cum. After, he asked her where the choking thing had come from; she’d never asked him to do that before… He admitted it was his first time wrapping his fingers around a woman’s throat. The thought of it made Katherine sad. Sad that no other woman of his needed such pain to be satisfied. Sad that she required that pain to be satisfied.
The first time Katherine had met him was in a bar. It was where she met them all. The first time was fun. Easy. Lately it hadn’t been much fun, or very easy. It was taking more and more to get her where she wanted to be, where she needed to be. It was becoming increasingly dangerous. She didn’t even really care about the sex. It was the punishment she was after.
She knew she didn’t deserve to be loved. To be taken care of, or cherished. She didn’t seek their acceptance. All she wanted for them to do was to hurt her. To smack her, choke here, hit her, tie her up and punish her. It was the pain that she chased, not the pleasure. Most of them didn’t understand it, most of them didn’t even know what they were getting into when they brought her home. Most of them never turned her down though. They never said it, but she could see it in their eyes that they’d never met someone like Katherine.
She would find them before they found her. She knew which ones to look out for, which ones to choose. They never saw her coming; the pretty, slightly nervous girl who approached them first. Making small talk. Feeling them out. Studying them just enough to see if she would be able to have them consent to all of the things she wanted them to do to her. Just drunk enough that they would agree, not so much that they wouldn’t be able to take direction. She had gotten good at making them believe they were in control. That they were the alpha-male. The reality was, she was manipulating all of them. She had all the power. Katherine was the hunter, and they were her prey.
She finally moved her hand away from her throat and placed it over her heart. It was racing. The rhythmic beat increased, and it was her body’s way of telling her it was time to go. Katherine never stayed the night, then again – they never asked her to. It didn’t hurt her feelings. She knew what it was going to be, how it was going to end up when they left the bar together. It might happen once or twice more, but this was not her trying to start a relationship. She was looking for something else. Something to quell the hurt, the pain, the frustration of never being enough. Never being good enough. Never being what any of them wanted. That’s what hurt. The not being wanted.
Katherine peeled back the sweat laden sheets and climbed out of the bed. There wasn’t an attempt to hide anything, no show of modesty. After all, what he had just done to her was dark and at the same time very intimate. He had seen her twisted needs, and for the most part he had fulfilled them. She searched the floor for the clothes that he had ripped of her only an hour before; dressing to make her exit. As she did so, he laid in bed and watched her; not saying anything. Katherine turned to say goodbye, to thank him for the afternoon diversion. He pressed his lips together and finally spoke – “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.” She replied. “Just fine.”
#ThrowbackThursday to all this nonsense.
That moment when your heart is so full of love for someone else…you just don’t know what you would do without them in your life.
He leans down to pick up the carryout bag from the restaurant off the floor. Before he stands back up, he takes a moment to slowly graze my naked legs with soft, tender kisses. Grabbing my hand, be pulls me off the elevator and into the hallway; just steps away from our suite. My anticipation has been building ever since we left dinner, especially because he wouldn’t let me touch him in the car ride back to the hotel.
“Now?” I whisper, and comes out in a quiet, nearly pleading tone. He’s usually so ready for me, and the waiting is killing me.
“Yes, my love. NOW.” The last word sounds like a command, rather than an answer. My breath catches in the back of my throat, and no sooner has he opened the door to our room before I throw myself at him. I dig my fingers into the back of his hair, and my mouth is on him; devouring him with my lips and my tongue. I can barely breathe as I kiss him, overwhelmed by what he does to me. I take a moment, and step back to look at him. This man that I am so in love with, this man that I would do anything for; this man who has given up so much of himself for me, and tears well up in my eyes.
“Oh no, baby, no. Don’t cry. Please don’t cry. I’m here, we’re here. This is what we’ve been waiting for, remember?” His words are so reassuring, so calming. He places his hand on my chin and tilts my face up towards his. Reaching down, he wipes the tears from my cheeks. “I love you with all my heart and soul.”
“I love you, too. So much.” I say, kissing the palms of his hands as he caresses my face. Slowly, I close my eyes and take a deep breath, and when I open them again he is still looking at me with concern. The want in my eyes is evident, and he exhales sharply.
Carefully, I use his hands for support as I bend and kneel down in front of him. Not taking my eyes off of him, I begin to undo the button first on his pants, then I give a gentle tug on his zipper. He stiffens and a low groan comes out from the back of his throat. Hitching my fingers in the top of his waistband I remove his pants and underwear at once, and they pool around his feet. I place both of my hands on the front of his thighs, digging into his skin with my fingers.
“Oh fuck, yes.” He moans, and I work my way from the front to the back, pulling him closer to me. I kiss the tip of his erection, and I look up at him with glassy, hooded eyes. I draw my tongue around him, up and down; tasting him.
“This is my dessert.” I say, right before I take every inch of him into my mouth. Using my hands to press him further into me, I draw him in and out of my mouth, all the while eyes open and looking at him. With a forceful thrust, and he is all the way inside me. He drops the carryout bag to the ground and both his hands are now in my hair and he is fucking my mouth. I drop my hands, bring them behind my back and clasp my fingers together. I relinquish my control, and he takes over with fast, deliberate strokes and he moves in and out of my mouth.
“Yes, love, yes. Oh my god, Melissa.” He growls as he goes deeper. There are tears running down my face, but they are ones of happiness and pleasure.
Suddenly he stops, and pulls out from me. I can taste him on my lips, and I need more.
“Oh, you are such a good, dirty girl. I fucking love you.” He leans down, and helps me up off my knees. “Turn around, love. Bend over.” I turn away, and do as I’m told. He pulls my dress up and it gathers at my waist. Legs spread, I’m grabbing my ankles for support and he pulls aside my panties. I inhale quickly and he has his fingers inside of me.
“Always so ready for me.”
In one quick, powerful motion, his fingers are gone as his cock is buried deep inside me. One hand on my waist, the other wrapped up in my hair he pulls me back onto him with every thrust and I have to bend my knees for further support so we both don’t come crashing down to the floor. His rhythm is quickening and I’m on the verge of letting it all go.
“Oh, yes, that’s right kitten. Come for me, show me how much you need this.”
The next thrust sends me over the edge, and as I cry out in pleasure he wraps his arms around me and pulls me up to a standing position. Still inside of me, he makes one final push and growls in my ear.
Dinner is over and the waiter is clearing away our plates. I know I have just eaten, but there is a growling deep down inside me because I have yet to be filled with what I am actually craving. He turned off the egg during our meal, and thankfully so; as I’m certain I wouldn’t have been able to lift my fork.
The maitre d’ approches our table, and as I take the last sip of my wine I see another mischievous smile come across his face.
"How was everything this evening, sir? Would you care for anything else?"
"Our meal was wonderful. Thank you. Some of the best I’ve ever tasted." He looks over at me and winks. In that moment I know he is not just complementing the food, and I can’t help but giggle.
"Would it be at all possible to take something with us? We have plans that we cannot be late for. I was thinking about that decadent triple chocolate cake that you’re known for, with a side of caramel sauce?"
"Absolutely, sir. I will take care of it at once."
The maitre d’ rushes off to take care of his request, and the look of confusion in apparent on my face.
"Yes love, we have plans; but they do not involve anyone but you and I."
He ushers me out of the restaurant, his left hand on the small of my back while his right is carrying a small white bag with dessert. I don’t want dessert, I want to be his dessert; but I dare not tell him this. He is in control of the evening, whether or not his hand is on the remote control still in his pocket.
As I climb into the waiting limo, he steps forward and whispers something to the driver. It’s far enough out of earshot for me to hear, and my curiosity about our secret plans only intensifies. He sits down next to me, and as the driver closes the door he places the white bag on the seat between us.
I reach over to place my hand on his thigh, but he stops me. “No touching, my love. Not yet.”
I let out and audible whimper, and unknowingly pout my lip. I’ve never been good at waiting; and being with him has been truly trying of my patience since our very first encounter in February. I’m trying to learn to be better, but he does not make it easy on me. Sometimes I think he’s testing me. Testing my commitment. Testing my loyalty.
"Don’t you dare pout that lip at me, kitten. You know how much I want you, how much I crave you. But good things come to those who wait. Correct?"
"Yes, sir." I knew this statement wasn’t only a comment on tonight, but on our entire relationship. Everything we have been through to get here, everything he sacrificed; brought us here. Brought him to me, me - wearing his ring.
The limo pulls up to the Peninsula, where we’ve been staying ever since he arrived into town only days ago. Not even a week, but it feels like a lifetime; a lifetime that we both on separate occasions have said that we wished had started so much sooner. The car door opens, and the valet welcomes us back.
"I hope you had a pleasant evening, sir. Will you be needing the car again tonight?"
"We will. Could you please make sure that it is ready for us at midnight?" He says.
Now I am even more confused. My fantasies about us retiring to our suite for the remainder of the evening are gone. I want to ask where we are going later, but I know I won’t get an answer and my question would only warrent another comment about having patience. So I follow him out of the car, biting my lip and holding my tongue.
"Do you always do that when you don’t get your way, or are you simply trying to tease me?" He says mockingly, referring to my pink bottom lip, nestled between my upper and lower teeth.
We make our way through the lobby towards the elevators. As we step inside, I have an immediate flashback to our first time here. The first time he saw me in the bar, the first time he held my hand, the first time he pressed me up against the elevator wall and had his hands in my hair as he whisped ‘MINE’ into my ear.
My entire body is on fire at this point. I want nothing more than for him to touch me, to take me. I want to beg him to make me his. He sets the white dessert bag on the floor of the elevator, and as it slowly makes its climb to the penthouse suite he takes both of my hands in his.
Hands joined, fingers entwined, he raises them up above my head and backs me into the corner. His left leg pushes between my feet, and his knee bends and slowly starts to push my knees, my thighs apart. Leaning down, he blows deliberate warm breaths up my neck towards my ear. Our hands, still raised above; have become still.
His thigh is now rubbing through my dress, against my sex; and his lips are parted only inches away from my face. He looks deep into my eyes, kisses me on the nose; and just as the elevator bell chimes signalling our arrival, he whispers to me, “Soon.”