One girls stories on life, love, sex and relationships.
Yesterday I got something that I had been waiting a very long time for. Even though I knew it was coming, and in the first moments of it’s arrival I was filled with excitement. Joy, even.
But as I held it in my hands, something changed.
I realized, in that moment, that while I wanted it, I didn’t NEED IT anymore.
It was a rare moment of clarity for me. I was grateful, but no longer desperate. I was thankful, but no longer envious. I was hopeful.
And really, that’s all I’ve ever wanted.
Reblogged from highkicks-and-highhopes :
"It’s really the way love works. We all fall into this magical perfect version of love with the other person, and then our minds become giant ice picks, chipping away every day, little by little, at the rock solid perfection we were so sure about. I was never surprised to see the magazine covers…
They can’t all be winners.
With every meeting, with every cup of coffee, with every first awkward hug - there is hope. There is hope that this one will be different. That this one will challenge you. That this one will be something more. More than all the others that have come before. But they are almost always a letdown.
It’s not their fault. There is nothing wrong with them. They are grownups. They are settled. They are working and living and surviving, just like the rest of us. Their online profiles are filled with the successes of the life they have lived thus far; the bands they like to listen to; the things they consider hobbies. But they aren’t real.
They lie about their height. They shadow their insecurities. They forget to mention the lost loves, broken hearts and friendships gone bad.
No one is perfect.
No one is perfect, and I never expect them to be.
I just expect them to be real, to be themselves.
They rarely are.
Regardless, you throw caution out the window. You hope and pray that your first date will be your last one. That your first kiss will be your last one. Usually, though, this is never the case.
I don’t fault them for trying. Fuck, I’m trying too. We’ll all just end up floating aimlessly if we don’t at least try. I’m beginning to wonder though, just how long I’m willing to keep trying. To keep fighting the fight. To keep giving out awkward hugs and polite conversation, until enough time has passed where you feel like you’ve put in the polite amount of time before you say that it’s time to call it a night.
Tonight, there was nothing wrong with him. He was nice on paper. But I’m looking for more than just something that can be neatly folded up and stashed in my pocket.
It’s not you. I promise.
I’m just looking for more.
I’ve know plenty of freaks, perverts, weirdos, and creepers in my life. Hell, some of my best friends fall into those categories…some of my best boyfriends and lovers have also been these kinds of people. Sometimes though, there are people who display these traits at the most inappropriate times - and when it happens with someone you work with. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
I’ve worked in kitchens and restaurants for nearly a third of my lifetime. I understand what goes on. Everyone flirts with everyone. There are always misogynistic comments being made. it happens. You spend so much time together, mostly during extremely stressful and high energy situations and things happen. Normally, I know how to deal with it. Normally, it’s easy enough to brush off. We’ve all been guilty of being a little out of line. It doesn’t make it right…but it is what it is.
My problem comes when it carries over after hours. When I start getting unwanted phone calls, text messages, Facebook messages from someone whom I have never shown any interest. Have never given any indication that at any point would I be reciprocating their advances.
And that’s been happening to me lately - and I’m uncomfortable.
Uncomfortable enough that I finally brought it to the attention of my boss today. Uncomfortable enough that I no longer feel safe if I were to have to work alone with this person in the kitchen.
In the past when this has happened - which hasn’t been often enough - I’ve been able to shut it down pretty quickly. I know how to stand up for myself in a work environment. I know my limits. The problem comes when there is a language barrier and I don’t actually have the words to tell this person to knock it the hell off.
So, I went to my boss today. I told her what was going on. When she asked me how long it had been happening, I was honest and said it had been happening for more than a year. The only reason I chose to bring it up now, was because it had crossed over. It was no longer just happening while I was at work. It was happening via texts, phone calls, and FB messages after hours, and on the weekends. She told me she would deal with it immediately the next time the employee in question was scheduled to work. She told me she had dealt with it before and didn’t want anyone having to go through what I was. She said she would let him go if the situation didn’t improve.
I quit wearing makeup to work because he was always lingering around my station telling me how beautiful l looked. I quit making any conversation with him because I didn’t want to be misconstrued as an advice. I quit making even the simplest of eye contact because it made me feel uncomfortable.
No one should ever have to work like that.
I hope things improve because I really don’t know what I’m going to do if it doesn’t.
Reblogged from highkicks-and-highhopes :
There’s something pretty glorious about that statement.
"Misfit right in."
It’s contradictory at best. Do you fit in? Do you miss fitting in?
I wish I had been the one to come up with it, but I didn’t. I think I saw it in a commercial for some hotel in Las Vegas. Either way - it’s my new mantra.
I’m tired of trying to be something I’m not. I’m tired of pretending. Sure, I’ve gone weeks, months, years even; being someone that someone else wanted me to be. Thought I should be. This is probably why for a good portion of my life I’ve felt utterly confused about where I was headed. I know we all make the pretty faces, and say the things people want to hear in hopes of fitting in. Fitting the mold. Being the person everyone expects us to be.
Fuck that. It’s exhausting.
I know I’m not perfect. I know I’m not normal. But what’s the fun in being perfect and normal?? Mistakes are an adventure. Screwing up is part of life. It’s how we learn, it’s how we grow, it’s how we learn what we want. It’s how we learn what to expect from the people in and outside of our circle.
I guess what I’m saying is, if you’re reading this, know that from here on out; I’m not putting on the brave face for you anymore. I’ve spent the better part of my life trying to fit in to the life that you kids assume I belong. I’ve learned a few really fucking important lessons over the last few months. I’ve learned how much people will fuck with you just to get what they want. I’ve learned that some people, no matter how hard you want them to be good - just aren’t.
And that’s okay.
But I’m not following you down the rabbit hole anymore just because you tell me it’s filled with candy and kittens and cute boys who will play with my hair.
The fact of the matter is, that for the last 25 years of my life, I’ve managed to survive on my own instincts. Sure, they aren’t always right. And god, more often than not they’ve really screwed me over. But I’m done feeling bad about trying to make others feel good. I’m done worrying about what others think about me. I’m done with all of it. You’re either on stage with me or you’re blacklisted.
At one point or another, I’ve loved all of you. Either in the way you love a really good cup of coffee, or the way you love your best friend. My love for you has never been a lie - but love doesn’t last forever. If I don’t love you anymore, know that I have at least learned something from you. You’ve all been my teachers, my lovers, my mentors, and for a rare few - might light at the end of a very dark tunnel.
In the meantime, I’m your misfit.
Love me or hate me, either way - they’re feelings. And as long as you’re still feeling, you’re still alive.
And that’s pretty fucking fantastic.
Theme by Lauren Ashpole